“Our world has for too long conditioned us not to make waves. We don’t want to make a scene or disrupt the flow of things. As a result, we settle, quietly, much too often. If a problem is important to you, then that’s enough; that qualifies it as worthy. It’s important, because you are important.” – Dr Phil McGraw
I AM
I had this saved on my lappy from the 8th of March…
I Am
I am Funny and bright
I wonder if the future me will like the present me
I hear butterflies whisper
I see angels having tea on the clouds
I want to be satisfied
I am who I am right now
I pretend to be in control
I feel the Queen within me stirring
I touch a soul
I worry that I’ll never feel adequate
I cry for innocence abused
I am who I am right now
I understand that God is too big to fit in any box
I say each human being is born with the capacity to love deeply
I dream about the day I meet my soulmates face to face
I try to understand, to listen, to learn, to improve
I hope that this too shall pass and that I’ll be abundantly filled with inner peace
I am who I am right now, I am Sillymoose.
Dear Casanova
Dear ex-boyfriend, Casanova, boy who made me cry
Just a little note to let you know that I finally get why you are not a bad person or a f*cknut or all the other colourful words I chose to call you when I’m hurting. The fact that you led me on does not make you a bad person, nor that you vanished into thin air. It just makes you a messed up, complicated person like everybody else who choses to run instead of stay and find out. I’d like you to know that I won’t be mad at you forever and I won’t likely cry about you again, but that I really did care about you and think you were too gorgeous for words. I’m will occasionally think of you and fantasize and wish you were a bit les guarded and had a bit more guts. I’ll still miss your stimulating company, your delicious body and bizarre sense of humour. I’ll probably still call you an ass from time to time, just until I feel a bit less inadequate and hurt. But the grown up version of me knows you are still a stunning human being and one I’ll miss for a while. Thank you for the wonderful moments and for making me feel highly desirable at times. Stunning , in fact. I really hope and pray that you find somebody who will put up with your shit long enough for you to learn to trust her and that you’ll actually believe in love above freedom one day. You have a lot to give and some woman is going to make you very happy. I wish I could be the one who sticks around despite how crap you treat them so that I could reap the benefit of breaking though your huge walls. I am perhaps strong, loyal and determined enough, but I won’t gamble with my sanity or self-esteem any more. I choose me. Now go climb out of your man cave and choose you too. Much love, the one that got away x
Casanova’s Mistress Box
It was after a discussion with my best friend (who we shall call Boemps) over skype that I got to recap my adventurous – is that the word?- love life over the last year or so. The Ex, the Virgo (if you follow the blog I’m sure you’ve met him) and the Phantom. Those are the ones I’ll mention for now…
The last one was the final straw…(where have I heard that before?) and the one that has finally triggered the question of why it is that I am attracted to these un-keepable figures. I don’t have the answer just yet but finally know what they are. They are the modern-day Casanova. I am the average girl on the street who falls for their charms. Wow…average is such a undesirable word.
After much deliberation my various personalities and I have finally found the title for my current “box”. What we’ll do now that we know we are in the box is unclear. Making it up as I go…
IT’S MUSIC!! 10/19/2010
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I was driving home today in crazy heat melting in my denim, singing Barbra and Fiona and all sorts. As I turned off the highway it suddenly hit me: “Dah moron!! It’s music!! The thing that inspires you is music.” A crazy whirlwind of quotes and songs started whooshing through my head and I rushed home to type it down before I forget. I found clips and vids to accompany the quotes. SO if you click on the quote another window should pop open (all magic-like).
“Music’s important. Singing is important. We don’t sing enough. Now everybody’s plugged in. We all listen but people don’t sing as much as they use to.” (Meryl Streep Mamma Mia! interview)
“You can take all the novels in the world, and not one of them will make you feel as good as fast as “I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it’s cold outside, I’ve got the month of May” That is real poetry. Those are real poets. Smokey Robinson, Stevey Wonder, Bob Dylan, the Beatles.” (Hugh Grant in Music & Lyrics)
So I shall sing more and remember to constantly find new songs and new inspiration.
Ha…so much for that. Here I thought I could fill days and days of blogging in pursuit of what inspires me. Damn… okay….next topic?
Inspiration 10/18/2010
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I was watching Julie & Julia last night and got to wondering about what
inspires and excites me. You know, enough to make me WANT to get up in
the morning. It definitely isn’t food. Heaven knows food doesn’t excite
me…so what is it. I shall find out!
For now, however, whilst I’m searching…this was handy:
1. The act of inspiring or breathing in.
2. breath
3. (physiology) The drawing of air into the lungs, accomplished in
mammals by elevation of the chest walls and flattening of the
diaphragm.
4. The act or power of exercising an elevating or stimulating influence
upon the intellect or emotions; the result of such influence which
quickens or stimulates; as, the inspiration of occasion, of art, etc.
5. A supernatural divine influence on the prophets, apostles, or sacred
writers, by which they were qualified to communicate moral or
religious truth with authority; a supernatural influence which qualifies
men to receive and communicate divine truth; also, the truth
communicated.
Co-dependency
This is perhaps the best songe ver written regarding co-dependency!
“Not The Doctor”
– Alanis Morissette
I don’t want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don’t want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don’t want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
I don’t want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don’t want to be your babysitter
You’re a very big boy now
I don’t want to be your mother
I didn’t carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you’d find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it’s too much to ask for and I am not the doctor
I don’t want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
And I don’t want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don’t want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face
At midnight, hey
What are you hungry for
I don’t want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don’t want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights
I don’t want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion
Please open the window
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you’d find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it’s too much to ask for and I am not the doctor
I don’t want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don’t want to be responsible for your fractured heart
And it’s wounded beat
I don’t want to be a substitute for the smoke you’ve been inhaling
What do you thank me
What do you thank me for
Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you’d find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it’s too much to ask for and I am not the doctor
Vir jou
(Note 2011/10/24: This guy turned out to be an A-class ass. He was engaged, messed up our company and reminds me daily that I trust too easily. nonetheless…at the time I’d put this on the blog for him.)
And in your eyes I see ribbons of color
I see us inside of each other
I feel my unconscious merge with yours
And I hear a voice say, “What’s his is hers”
I’m falling into you (falling into you)
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you
I was afraid to let you in here
Now I have learned love can’t be made in to fear
The walls begin to tumble down
And I can’t even see the ground
I’m falling into you (falling into you)
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you
Falling like a leaf, falling like a star
Finding a belief, falling where you are
Catch me, don’t let me drop!
Love me, don’t ever stop!
So close your eyes and let me kiss you
And while you sleep I will miss you
Oh I’m falling into you
This dream could come true
And it feels so good falling into you
Falling like a leaf, falling like a star, oh
Finding a belief, falling where you are
Falling into you
Falling into you
Falling into you
Sometimes it’s a bitch…
I am running the actual risk of turning into those crazy “emo” hags that just post dark and obscure lyrics and poetry and never says anything personal on their blogs. No really…I see the signs!! *she says in a very dramatic tone* but the truth is that my personal thoughts and feelings are rather dodge and may cause alarm to those I love. Music, on the other hand can express so many complex and intertwined emotions so eloquently…a gift I am afraid I do not possess at this stage of my life. SO for those who care… here is my current song of expression 🙂 It’s by Stevie Nicks and is called…as the title didn’t cleverly disguise… Sometimes It’s a Bitch!
Oh and sidebar…This songs is quite bi-polar in a right brained “level headed” way. (My opin
Well I’ve run through rainbows and castles of candy
I cried a river of tears from the pain
I try to dance with what life has to hand me
My partner’s been pleasure…my partner’s been pain
There are days when I swear I could fly like an eagle
And dark desperate hours that nobody sees
My arms stretched triumphant on top of the mountain
My head in my hands…down on my knees
Sometimes it’s a bitch…sometimes it’s a breeze
Sometimes love’s blind…and sometimes it sees
Sometimes it’s roses…and, sometimes it’s weeds
Sometimes it’s a bitch…sometimes it’s a breeze
I’ve reached in darkness and come out with treasure
I’ve laid down with love and I woke up with lies
What’s it all worth only the heart can measure
It’s not what’s in the mirror…but what’s left inside
Sometimes it’s a bitch…sometimes it’s a breeze
Sometimes love’s blind…and sometimes it sees
Sometimes it’s roses…and, sometimes it’s weeds
Sometimes it’s a bitch…sometimes it’s a breeze
You gotta take it as it comes
Sometimes it don’t come easy
I’ve run through rainbows and castles of candy
And I’ve cried a river of tears from the pain
I tried to dance with what life had to hand me
And if I could…I’d do it all over again
Sometimes it’s a bitch…sometimes it’s a breeze
Sometimes love’s blind…and sometimes it sees
Sometimes it’s roses…and, sometimes it’s weeds
Sometimes it’s a bitch…sometimes it’s a breeze
Sometimes the picture just ain’t what it seems
You get what you want…but it’s not what you need
Sometimes it’s a bitch…sometimes…it’s a breeze
Well it’s a breeze…it’s a breeze…it’s a breeze…
A revisit with the Virgo…addictive buggar
Poison lyrics
Artist: Alice Cooper Lyrics
Your cruel device
Your blood, like ice
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill
I want to love you but I better not touch (Don’t touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You’re poison running through my veins
You’re poison, I don’t want to break these chains
Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I’m caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace on sweat
I hear you calling and it’s needles and pins (And pins)
I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don’t want to touch you but you’re under my skin (Deep in)
I want to kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You’re poison running through my veins
You’re poison, I don’t wanna break these chains
Poison
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill
I want to love you but I better not touch (Don’t touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You’re poison running through my veins
You’re poison, I don’t wanna break these chains
Poison
I want to love you but I better not touch (Don’t touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison, yeah
I don’t want to break these chains
Poison, oh no
Runnin’ deep inside my veins,
Burnin’ deep inside my veins
It’s poison
I don’t wanna break these chains
Poison
Hopping from box to box 