Angry…positive?

So today I got royally peeved at my landlord yet again and am noticing a very bizarre trend… when I get annoyed I tend to snap out of my depro-state for short bursts of self-centred productivity. Hmm… Weird thing for a fight-the-anger kinda girl to be realising about herself. Who woulda thunk it?

And whilst I’m here my new pick me up song has made it’s appearance. It’s old, but hey…so is my soul. LOL. (self amusement)

Gwen Stefani LYRICS:

(I’ve edited the insane repetition out & keeping the good stuff…)

What an amazing time
What a family
How did the years go by?
Now it’s only me

(La la la la la)
Like a cat in heat stuck in a moving car
A scary conversations,
Shut my eyes, can’t find the brake
What if they say that you’re a climber?
Naturally i’m worried if i do it alone
Who really cares cuz it’s your life
You never know, it could be great
Take a chance cuz you might grow

Like an echo pedal, you’re repeating yourself
You know it all by heart
Why are you standing in one place?
Born to blossom, bloom to perish
Your moment will run out
Cuz of your sex chromosome
I know it’s so messed up how our society all thinks (for sure)
Life is short, you’re capable (uh huh)
Oh… oh ohhh
LOOK AT YOUR WATCH NOW!
YOU’RE STILL A SUPER HOT FEMALE!
YOU GOT YOUR MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT!
AND THEY’RE ALL WAITING FOR YOUR HOT TRACK!

The Power of Love

“You don’t need money, don’t take fame
Don’t need no credit card to ride this train
It’s strong and it’s sudden and it’s cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life
That’s the power of love”

I think Huey Lewis And The News got it right…

The Void

I know this place. I’ve been here so many times before…

It starts off as a odd down “happens-to-everyone” day where you feel weird and out of place. The one day plays knit one, slip one, until the pearl stitched take a more predominant role and one day becomes two…three…maybe a week. I focus on the many blessings I have daily. It becomes harder. You start faking joy hoping it will attract positive vibes and hide any signs that you are not okay. Sleep goes next. Useless worrying and irrational fears keep you from sleep then awake you in terror at 3am. I hate this darkness creeping slowly and steadily. I am not this person! I do not need to be medicated again. Stinging eyes and occasional welling tears is normal, right? Even Miss Independent, Miss Self-sufficient, Miss Keep-it-together has emotional moments… It’s normal you tell yourself. You get others to sign your I’m-fine petition. They believe it. Surely you do to?

Sometimes it has a trigger…crime…losing something or someone dear…but every time this Job-like darkness sets in I pray to God that he would just let me close my eyes and sleep through it. Blink and miss it. Disappear and come back when the sun rises. His answer is always:”No. This is life and this is what you need to learn right now…”

Snaakse goed wat kinders se…

Nou die dag se my oudste “surrogaat” kind (6 jaar oud). “Tannie jy moet ‘n meisie baar sodat n prins met haar kan trou.” Baar?! Watse 6-jarige praat so?

Guilt & Embaressing Moments

So…we have this incredibly cute IT guy who comes around to the office every two weeks or so. Today when he left I had that totally childish feeling of “please don’t go!”. Me being the casual bunny that I am…I called his office to get his cell number. All cool and collected. Just a customer with a question. The secretary on the other end of the line then says:”He’s just walked in. Here is…” and blugh. Not the plan at all! You know when a plan goes awfully wrong and you feel yourself blushing right down into your breasts? Well… I could have died. Smooth and casual my ass! I felt like a total moron PLUS now I feel guilty for non-casually hitting on a guy when I have a boyfriend. I don’t necessarily want to copulate with the man…. I would just like him in my life. Is that cheating? I feel guilty enough. And on a lighter note…TGIF!! Let’s go put Barbie on the barbeque!

Quoted: An Unearthly Love

“Your goodness can’t win God’s love. Nor can your badness lose it. But you can resist it. We tend to do so honestly. Having been rejected so often, we fear God may reject us as well. Rejections have left us skittish and jumpy. Like my dog Salty. He sleeps next to me on the couch as I write. He’s a cranky cuss, but I like him. We’ve aged together over the last fifteen years, and he seems worse for the wear. He’s a wiry canine by nature; shave his salt-and-pepper mop, and he’d pass for a bulimic Chihuahua. He didn’t have much to start with; now the seasons have taken his energy, teeth, hearing, and all but eighteen inches worth of eyesight.

Toss him a dog treat, and he just stares at the floor through cloudy cataracts. (Or, in his case, dogaracts?) He’s nervous and edgy, quick to growl and slow to trust. As I reach out to pet him, he yanks back. Still, I pet the old coot. I know he can’t see, and I can only wonder how dark his world has become.

We are a lot like Salty. I have a feeling that most people who defy and deny God do so more out of fear than conviction. For all our chest pumping and braggadocio, we are anxious folk – can’t see a step into the future, can’t hear the one who owns us. No wonder we try to gum the hand that feeds us.

But God reaches and touches. He speaks through the immensity of the Russian plain and the density of the Amazon rain forest. Through a physician’s touch in Africa, a bowl of rice in India. Through a Japanese bow or a South American abraço. He’s even been known to touch people through paragraphs like the ones you are reading. If he is touching you, let him.

Mark it down: God loves you with an unearthly love. You can’t win it by being winsome. You can’t lose it by being a loser. But you can be blind enough to resist it.

Don’t. For heaven’s sake, don’t. For your sake, don’t.

"Take in with all Christians the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God" (Eph. 3:18–19 MSG).”

From 3:16, The Numbers of Hope
Copyright (W Publishing Group, 2007) Max Lucado

Quote for today

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious” – Peter Ustinov

The Monday after the Saturday before…

“So why did I kiss him so hard late last friday night
And keep on letting him change all my plans
I’m either so sick in the head
I need to be bled dry to quit
Or I just really used to love him
I sure hope that’s it”

Fiona Apple(2nd place to Alanis for runner up, as goddess of expressing complexity) says it best here. Except it wasn’t Friday night… it was Saturday night. And just like that the healing and attempt at closure is shattered and lying on the floor like the lovely bohemian outfit I was wearing…

But then in all honesty…I did look way to pure with that dress on and I guess it had to be corrected. Still… Casanova has made his return and the silly girl that is me is once again swooning like a 15 year old. That man has the incredible talent of directing waves of heat straight at my face then teasing me about the red cheeks, he causes. Tsk bloody tsk I say!!

So here I am reporting live from Idiot-in-love-ville once again. Some days I am a strong, intellectual, wise old soul…and other day I’m this… this bubble of emotion without a name.

Heaven help us!

Credits

If you had a bank that credited your account each morning with R86,400 – with no balance carried from day to day – what would you do? Well, you do have such a bank…time.

Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it rules off as "lost" whatever you have failed to use toward good purposes. It carries over no balances and allows no overdrafts. You can’t hoard it, save it, store it, loan it or invest it. You can only use it – time.

Surrogate mommy box…

Right, I admit I haven’t quite hopped into this box biologically yet. But for part of the day I play “surrogate” mom to 2 little boys. Children have this innate way of making you wonder if you really know anything at all.

Questions like:”if Jesus’ dad is God, why isn’t Mary God?” Or “can you ride an octopus?” “Are penquins dangerous?” “What would happen if you throw a bomb in the sea? But why would the fish die? What if you threw it in the pool instead?”.

When you get enough of these why and how and when’s…you kinda hit a brain freeze and eventually wonder if we adults have a clue at all. The most simplest question suddenly becomes unimaginably complex.

Today I got the “if you die, can you still grow?
…do you grow in heaven?
…why doesn’t your body go to heaven?…
but MacGuyver’s in heaven…
ME: who’s Macguyver??
Then a very agressive “My dog! If his body doesn’t go to heaven, how will I find him?”

Brain freeze……. Then I resort to the hard truth of “I don’t really now boy. I’m still figuring it out myself” just to get “why don’t you know?” And so we start again…

It completely undermines the notion of less is more…

It’s a very good idea to know what you really choose to believe before you deal with these questions AND to perhaps realize that the simplest answer will do. I try to encourage open-mindedness and acknowledging that we don’t know everything, but really…when in doubt… Go simple.

And… I don’t know is actually sometimes the best possibly answer.