“I wanted to be held. I wanted to be loved just as I was, no strings attached. I longed to be loved whether I was pretty or ugly, sick or well, in a good mood or a bad mood. I wanted to be loved regardless of what I was like. I wanted to be love unconditionally.
I began my search. I went from one man to another. In the process, I became something I never wanted, never dreamed I would ever be. I became an adulteress. Yet all I wanted was security.” – from the book Lord, I want to know you by Kay Arthur
Month: October 2011
Pseudonymns & Transparency
I have always loved the idea of anonymity & pseudonyms! Being able to express deep thoughts and secrets without anybody knowing who you really are. You can curse and cry and call people assholes and it doesn’t matter coz nobody knows who you are. I have blogged about intimate moments and thoughts and really private longings and it feels safe…you can’t be tracked down, discovered for being a bitch or even praised for having a fantastically novel thought. If anybody judges you… it doesn’t really matter in the bigger scheme of things. They don’t know who you are.
I had a mortifying moment this week when I logged onto facebook and discovered my deep intimate anonymity as posts on my my public profile. MORTIFIED! Somehow, somewhere I must have accidently set the notes section to retrieve blog posts…. I have no idea how it happened but my heart just sank right into panic. Anybody could have seen it…a few did, some added a like here & there and my head went rushing frantically for the “oh crap card”. Any of my 600 + contacts could have (and may have for all I know) read these intimate thoughts and known it was me. (Family, friends, colleagues, my previous students… my boss if he cared for facebook more).
I very urgently found that little setting and stopped it then proceeded to individually *FB really should consider a batch setting system* deleted each post that came from my blog.
And once my reactive self had done that…my brain started its job…
Would people really discard me, hate or judge me if they really knew my deeper thoughts?
Would anybody really, truly be appalled to know that I have sex…that I hurt…that I feel inadequate…that I have goofy loves?
Would anybody de-friend me…fire me or want nothing to do with me if they knew my mistakes? The things I feel guilty about and the people I struggle to accept?
If they did… how would that make my life worse?
The thing that struck me today is how we are often so true to ourselves in a blog or behind a pseudonym and then in real life we fade into what we think people will accept. We don’t really say what we mean and/or always mean what we say. On the blog we vent and vomit…in real life… we smile and nod and have inner dialogues with ourselves.
Is straight forward honesty that offensive? Why are we so sensitive to it?
I am very aware that, as Christian, my purpose on earth is to represent God’s love and mercy. I have conflict about whether my actual thoughts and actions are right or would be acceptable in His eyes. Would people see my real thoughts and feelings and think I don’t love God? Yes…a few might, but and maybe this is my overall point:
I am not perfect. I won’t pretend to be. This is my life, this is my journey and at the end of it all the only 2 people whose opinions of me REALLY (as in in the big scheme of the universe) matter are ME & my God’s.
The rest (this includes everyone I just adore) has to take me as I am. This will be my lesson yet again. Transparency is way less agonising and way less time consuming.
Say no to fake!!!
And if this happens to now end up on facebook… you should know I put it there… by choice and on purpose.
25 October, 2011 15:28
· "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more."~ Erica Jong
Found my younger self on the internet
This is too funny not to share!!
A site I made when I was waaay younger. So funny *chuckles* “Hello little me!”
Angry…positive?
So today I got royally peeved at my landlord yet again and am noticing a very bizarre trend… when I get annoyed I tend to snap out of my depro-state for short bursts of self-centred productivity. Hmm… Weird thing for a fight-the-anger kinda girl to be realising about herself. Who woulda thunk it?
And whilst I’m here my new pick me up song has made it’s appearance. It’s old, but hey…so is my soul. LOL. (self amusement)
Gwen Stefani LYRICS:
(I’ve edited the insane repetition out & keeping the good stuff…)
What an amazing time
What a family
How did the years go by?
Now it’s only me
(La la la la la)
Like a cat in heat stuck in a moving car
A scary conversations,
Shut my eyes, can’t find the brake
What if they say that you’re a climber?
Naturally i’m worried if i do it alone
Who really cares cuz it’s your life
You never know, it could be great
Take a chance cuz you might grow
Like an echo pedal, you’re repeating yourself
You know it all by heart
Why are you standing in one place?
Born to blossom, bloom to perish
Your moment will run out
Cuz of your sex chromosome
I know it’s so messed up how our society all thinks (for sure)
Life is short, you’re capable (uh huh)
Oh… oh ohhh
LOOK AT YOUR WATCH NOW!
YOU’RE STILL A SUPER HOT FEMALE!
YOU GOT YOUR MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT!
AND THEY’RE ALL WAITING FOR YOUR HOT TRACK!
The Power of Love
“You don’t need money, don’t take fame
Don’t need no credit card to ride this train
It’s strong and it’s sudden and it’s cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life
That’s the power of love”
I think Huey Lewis And The News got it right…
The Void
I know this place. I’ve been here so many times before…
It starts off as a odd down “happens-to-everyone” day where you feel weird and out of place. The one day plays knit one, slip one, until the pearl stitched take a more predominant role and one day becomes two…three…maybe a week. I focus on the many blessings I have daily. It becomes harder. You start faking joy hoping it will attract positive vibes and hide any signs that you are not okay. Sleep goes next. Useless worrying and irrational fears keep you from sleep then awake you in terror at 3am. I hate this darkness creeping slowly and steadily. I am not this person! I do not need to be medicated again. Stinging eyes and occasional welling tears is normal, right? Even Miss Independent, Miss Self-sufficient, Miss Keep-it-together has emotional moments… It’s normal you tell yourself. You get others to sign your I’m-fine petition. They believe it. Surely you do to?
Sometimes it has a trigger…crime…losing something or someone dear…but every time this Job-like darkness sets in I pray to God that he would just let me close my eyes and sleep through it. Blink and miss it. Disappear and come back when the sun rises. His answer is always:”No. This is life and this is what you need to learn right now…”
Hopping from box to box 